Between Life and Death

How many times can you die, until only you remain?

When I died the first time, I didn't know I was dead. I was in absolute connection, in absolute love. One with everything. I no longer existed as an individual being or form. I was everything, and everything was me. There was no more separation. No more limited consciousness. That night, I was reminded of everything I had forgotten over the past thousands of years. I was the fire, the water, the earth, and the wind. I became pure cosmic and universal consciousness. I heard every prayer ever spoken. I became one of those prayers myself that night. I felt the suffering of the people on Earth and became a river flowing through the desert. I heard countless thousands of our ancestors praying for this very moment, saw them in ceremony all over our Planet. They prayed for the moment of awakening. The moment when we would remember who we are and why we once came here to this Earth. Afterward, I was gone, dissolved into everything. There was only light, I was light. But I didn't exist as an individual. I was everything, and everything was me.

Then I felt myself again, I felt something pulling at me. It was as if someone was trying to squeeze me from the infinite vastness and infinity into the size of a pinhead. It became cold and painful. I felt separated, disconnected, and felt this infinite love give way to the darkness of loneliness. When I opened my eyes, several healers were sitting around me. The Ayahuascero was sitting directly in front of me, speaking to my soul and calling it back to this dimension. My mind didn't understand his words, but my soul knew. I placed my hand on his heart and said, "Don't worry, i am fine, I'm back." Afterwards, I sat with Mother Moon for many more hours. I was back, but I was different. A part of me had died. A part that had never really belonged to me. A part that was insecure and afraid, a part that had forgotten the truth. A part that had forgotten how to pray and how sacred prayer was. A part that lived separately from Mother Earth and Father Sky. We no longer have to die unconsciously to be reborn in recurring cycles of karma and fate. We can die consciously and return to a new consciousness. It took me 48 hours to get up and walk. It was as if my physical body had been completely renewed. As if a layer of death, karma and fate, had been lifted from my body.

If you ask me how many times one can die this way, I can't give you a precise answer. I myself have died many more times after this one, and each journey was more indescribable than the last. What I can tell you, however, is that each time, a part of me was transformed. A mask, a blockage, energies that I thought were me. Blockages and foreign energies i would have defended with my life, because they had been with me for so long that I guarded them like a treasure. That I considered them mine. In death itself there are no shadows only the light of unconditional love. Only through the eyes did I understand that they were never mine. That I had accepted them, consciously or unconsciously in this or another life. Death has become my friend, my teacher and my medicine. It teaches me in spaces where there are no masks, no lies, no hidden shadowa, no room for ego and bullshit. No place to hide. But there is a wonderful mirror. The mirror of the soul. Death is life and love itself. And I'm not talking about the way someone dies. But about the energy and the field of death itself.

It is us in every moment, the truth in everything, the clarity. Death is the purest energy I know, i have ever met. A radiance. I've always had an extraordinary relationship with death, ever since I was a child. I've always been able to see the energy. It comes to people some time before their physical death and gently wraps itself around their field, like a guardian angel to guide them when the time comes. It was precisely this energy that reminded me why I'm here, in the form of earthbound souls who have been knocking on my door since childhood, thus ensuring that I set out on my path very early in this incarnation.

Death is the other half of life. If we accept it for what it is, it teaches us the unthinkable. In a ceremony, I discovered that a part of my soul had been hiding in death itself for many centuries. Now the time had finally come to bring her home: the wounded healer who closed her heart to life. Various Ayahuasceros tried for over a year to remove this blockage with which I had closed my own heart. But at the slightest approach, at the slightest attempt, I defended it with my life and didn't let anyone near. Why, you may ask? Because I didn't recognize it as a blockage that made me unable to open my heart. Instead, I saw this blockage as something that belonged to me. So if someone tried to remove it, my alarm bells would ring that this person wanted to steal something from me. And in that moment, the dragon would be unleashed to protect what was mine. I've died countless deaths in that year and writhed in pain. An ocean deeper than I can describe, filled with suffering, betrayal, pain, and a broken heart. Only all these deaths and the draining of pain helped me recognize the truth in it all. That I was the one who placed this blockage there long before this time, to protect my heart from more pain by closing it. So only I can remove it, or at least agree to its removal and actively participate. I trusted no one until I came to this realization. Why? Because I didn't trust myself. An old, primal wound that had carried through many incarnations. With this realization, I was finally ready to take the next big step: to trust myself again. And so we handed over to death what I had guarded for centuries like a treasure, and in that very moment, a part of my soul returned to me from death.

It was indescribable. A presence that I could receive with deepest humility and an open heart. For the first time, I didn't want to be anywhere else. Only here with myself. She told me everything and I was a silent, grateful witness to myself. She had hidden in death for many centuries. Because it was the only place where she felt safe. Which explains my special relationship with death since childhood. My longing to go home, ever since I was a child. If someone had asked me before then if I was still missing a soul part, I would have certainly denied it. I had already brought back countless others between the here and now and the Cretaceous period.

If you want to experience true adventure, you don't have to go far. Quite the opposite. Stay still and start listening to your soul. This is the greates adventure of all! Bringing you back to your true self.

After I have died countless times, I know, this is just the beginning. Every day feels like the first day of something greater then before. Every part that died was just another disconnecting layer between myself and the universal truth. A truth that I have revealed to myself on this journey is that nothing that is part of my essence can ever die or be taken away from me. Trust into your journey! And start listening to your soul.