Homesick

The longing to go home was one of the first things I remember in this life. As a teenager, I didn't really know what it meant. What or where was home? This question was like an emptiness inside me that nothing and no one outside could fill or answer. This place felt alien, so cold and far removed from my heart. I felt like I didn't belong here, like I'd been accidentally dropped off at the wrong place. Like I was a different kind of person than those around me. I adapted as best I could and started numbing myself relatively early in life to avoid feeling my own emptiness and meaninglessness. The things that truly interested me, that kept me up at night and occupied my mind, I couldn't really talk to anyone about them. I had seers in my family, but they were just as alone with it as I was. There were no teachings about it in our family at that time, no wisdom.

During my later training, I was often openly envied by some of my colleagues. "You are loved by the gods," they said. They did everything to awaken their third eye and couldn't understand how I possessed this gift so easily, despite my unhealthy lifestyle. They were there to learn to see, and I was there to put an end to the madness. What was a blessing for many there was like a curse for me for most of my life. You can't imagine how exhausting it can be to constantly feel, know, and see everything—and when I say everything, I mean everything. The thoughts of others, their darkest shadows, everything that usually lies hidden. And for a long time, I was simply helplessly at the mercy of these energies, without any guidance on how I could meaningfully offer support. During those years, I tried several times to buy a ticket home, the first time when I was 12, but my ticket was invalid; I guess that wasn't why I came here. They were very difficult years, resisting the urge to leave, with the constant voices whispering how easily it could all end. But there was also the other voice, which I now know was my own. The voice of my future self, who assured me: "Hang in there, trust me, you'll see, everything will be alright if you just hold on a little longer." At 16, I set out to find teachers and masters who could help me understand who I really was. At 20, I finally understood that leaving now wouldn't do me any good, since I would just come right back. And the first 20 years of my life were by far the hardest.

It would be very unwise of me to leave now and have to repeat all of that exactly, or worse, just to get back to where I am now: independent and free to make decisions and go wherever I wanted. So I continued my journey, searching for others like myself, following the clear voice that told me where to go and resisting the voice that urged me to end the suffering. Back then, I constantly questioned my own madness, and it was precisely this question that drove me to search. Today I know that there are no mental illnesses, or at least I wouldn't call them that. I know that superpowers exist, special abilities that can resemble madness. I know that there are foreign energies that crept into your energy field at birth or in previous lives, or that we consciously invited them in. I know that our consciousness, which wants to be born, is not from this planet. If you commit suicide, however, you don't change any of this; you only take it with you to another time. Instead, a powerful path lies in detoxification and the energetic rebirth process. We can heal, let go of, and transform the parts of ourselves that are anchored in trauma, suffering, and pain. We can learn to use our abilities for healing, we can reclaim our space completely for ourselves, and release all unwanted companions on their own journey. For the first time in what feels like an eternity, we can experience love and peace again, and that is the key to life. I still remember the first time in this incarnation when I consciously felt love—a gift from Mother Earth. I was in New Zealand at the time, gazing out over the sea, which was filled with a magical silver shimmer. I felt the space of unlimited possibilities and the unconditional love of the Universal Mother. There it was, the glimmer of hope that showed me the way. It was a long and incredibly intense journey, and the harder the challenges, the greater the gifts and the medicine that returned to me.

A journey back to ourselves. I walked every step of it myself, and that's precisely why I offer my work and my retreats exactly as I do. Everything is based on my own experience and the medicine that has returned to me over the years. Of course, I have an incredibly rich wealth of wonderful teachings and techniques from my masters and teachers with whom I have had the privilege of studying over the years, but everyone must walk their own path, and it is precisely through this that we bring back our own medicine. When we are reconnected with our essence, when we remember why we are here, we will never want to go anywhere else, because we are home, right where we are, because we are home! And we carry the love and light in our hearts with us and take them wherever we go. The Reconnect Program is a profound life journey that allows us to let go of what no longer serves us and, in doing so, to increasingly arrive in the here and now, in the present moment. Suicide, on the other hand, is an escape without any prospect of relief or improvement in your current situation and well-being. If you are interested in my program, please feel free to contact me anytime for a free consultation.